I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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