i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
