Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
