sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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