i just had sex bonerless
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
