I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize