I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
