I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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