babies were throwing up all over the place
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
