It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
