How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
