At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
