i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
