just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize