just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
