I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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