every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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