Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
