Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
