I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
