I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
