I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
