Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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