I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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