They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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