She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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