Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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