I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
