I heard we made out
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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