And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
