I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
