so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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