Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
