just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
