Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
