I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
