Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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