That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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