I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
