2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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