I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
