I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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