I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
