i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
