she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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