How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
