once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
