She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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