her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
