I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
