Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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