Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i drank out of a bidet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
