I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
