I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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