I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
