I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
