Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
