I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
