the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
