I cannot find my penis.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
