Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They took my balls.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
